don't build your life around volcanoes melt you down

-Damien Rice

I feel that our culture has taught us to feel unfulfilled. This state of feeling that there is never enough, that you never feel completely satisfied is useful to capitalism, the media, and politics. It gives us something to be angry about, and it confuses us enough so that we trick ourselves into believing things we would not naturally.

I get extremely angry when I realize I have been tricked by the media or by our culture. I see it as someone playing a trick on me and laughing. I grew up believing that I made my own choices, and when I realized that wasn't always the truth I began to fight against society in my own way. But how ridiculous it is to realize that we cannot fully accept life as it truly is because we are told to expect something else? We all expect our life to be happy and enjoyable all the time, we may realize that it can't be and logically we can say "you need the bad to appreciate the good" but why? Why can't we just realize that we cannot expect our life to be happy and that statement is just a cop out, an excuse for the days we are not feeling perfectly amazing?

Everyone hates feeling sad, lonely, angry, frustrated, you name it; and we search for quick fixes to make us feel better. I personally identify with being a happy and strong person and so when I am not happy I have to figure out why and figure out how control that emotion. (sometimes that is pretty hard). This procedure of making myself feel better often includes surrounding myself with other people who will make me feel good about myself or distract me from what I am really feeling.

BUT what I realized is that although I do not generally identify with being and emotional person, I don't do this because of our culture's high expectations for what life should be like. So what I have decided to do this year is to force myself to respect my feelings and not to suppress them. When I am upset, I should allow myself to be upset--to give into the full weight of that emotion and not expect myself to feel any other emotion. I don't mean making a mountain out of a mole hill and dwelling on something, but allowing myself space and time to process what is going on in my life.

It is still difficult sometimes, especially when I am feeling lonely because more than anything I hate feeling lonely. And to be honest, the emotion of loneliness is the most difficult emotion to deal with. I don't want to let myself feel the full weight of this emotion because it is so strong and potentially harmful. Logically, I appreciate being single and enjoying the freedom that allows to nourish and relish in my friendships. Emotionally, however, I hate being single and the loneliness I feel sometimes is oppressive. What is scarier is that I know I fear loneliness more than anything in the world. I have developed an understanding that this is not a direct correlation of my single-ness and that I can feel fulfilled in my friendships, in fact I have experienced this from time to time. Nevertheless, I know and I am pretty sure the Devil knows of my fear of loneliness and he likes to torment me. Some days are better than others, and I hate that when I feel lonely I tend to use my friends more than I ought to in order to remind myself that I am loved and cherished by others--but what else can we do? What are friends for if they cannot help in the times we need them?

So the question remains, how do I deal with allowing myself to be emotional while still protecting myself? And more importantly how can I help to establish a strong community of love and support amongst singles and couples?