I have been searching all of my days

-Alexi Murdoch

I just spent my last weekend of Student Teaching grading all kinds of assignments. I find the process of grading to be one of the most frustrating and detrimental to my relationships with my students. I get frustrated by the work they turn in and it kind of affects the way I think about them, which I hate.

Most recently I began grading their book long character lists for "The Jungle." What is hard about grading this assignment is that I realize now that it isn't a very good assignment. How do you grade something that you realize is not a good assignment? It is difficult because I know that I am in danger of being too lenient in my grading or potentially too harsh--considering that many of them copied or paraphrased the character biographies provided on book rags.com or sparknotes. I have come up with a way to grade that is decently fair focusing more on those students who put the time and effort into the assignment to begin with; and overall, it did accomplish what I wanted it too because I do believe that this helped increase their test scores since they were forced to go through the novel for a second or potentially third time.

The assignment itself was given at the beginning of the unit, when we began reading the novel, and should not have been to extremely difficult if they had kept up with the assignment throughout reading the novel. But of course nove of them did so the project became significantly more difficult. In addition, what I decided to grade them on created a great deal of work for me too, which is also why I will never assign this exact project again. I wish I had been able to tweak it at the beginning because I like aspects of the assignment, but I was not able to look into the future and realize what I should fix about it before I assigned it.

Oh and I cannot sleep. I just want to get this over with, but I know that once I am done I am going to miss my students like crazy, figure that one out for me.

you will hear me and know, I want to live a simple life

- The Weepies

truth = I love The Weepies

fail = The Weepies performed in Evanston, IL and I could not get tickets

truth + fail = very sad Laura

Now that has been covered we can move on to more important things such as the fact that I am done student teaching in 14 school days!

There are some professional development days and some holidays thrown in there but let's keep the eye on the prize--being done with one of the most awful yet meaningful experiences you'll ever go through. I now finally understand why my advisor at Calvin was so worried about me being in Chicago; this shit is hard and you need some people who have got your back. I am glad I made the choice to be in Chicago. Although I sometimes wonder if it might have been easier to stay in Grand Rapids, I know that it was important for me to take a more independent step in my life. Until this year I have had a great deal of help from Calvin in terms of housing. I do not regret my housing decisions I made at Calvin at all but I realized that I needed to have an experience where I have to pay rent, I have to do my own grocery shopping, and I need to figure out how to get around a new city all on my own.

Independence is something that has always been important to me. I don't know what encouraged this but I have felt the need not to rely on my parents (although I do much more than I care to admit) or on others that much. I have come to realize that complete independence is impossible and it might not necessarily be what I ought to be what I am aiming for but I have grown up believing that that is the ultimate goal. In truth I am a full blooded American.

It is important for me to know that I can do it on my own because essentially my goal still in some ways is to be independent. However, the more independent I am the emptier I feel. I cut people out of certain parts of my life in order to prove I can do it on my own but it doesn't work, I still need their help. I want someone to hear my frustrations my complaints, but I am not always willing to hear an answer because I want to find the answer on my own. I appreciate suggestions but I always rationalize them--"they don't really know the whole situation," or "I have already tried that and there's no way it could work," or even "there is no solution to this problem I just have to deal with it." I know this is frustrating to the people I talk to about my frustrations because I see the conversation as a means to figuring out the problem on my own through verbally processing and seeing the problem from every angle before I find a solution, whereas the listener often believes that their role is to find the solution.

I know personally I used to play this role all the time. When someone had a problem I needed to find the answer for them, I needed to fix their problem for them, why else would they come to me to talk about it? Since then I have changed my approach to listening. After talking to a wise RD I once had he reflected on my problem saying, "Laura you need to learn to listen, you talk to much, don't worry about having the answer because you cannot carry that burden." In addition, I heard a sermon that year by Rob Bell of Mars Hill in which his main message was that people who are experiencing great sorrow often just need an ear to listen, a mouth to stay closed, a shoulder to cry on, and arms to surround and support.

This is not to say that the people I am discussing my problem ought to shut up and just let me talk. No, the point is that I need to develop a larger understanding of what listening means. I need to listen to someone lament, but I also need to listen to people who genuinely want to help. Right now my listening is more of a one way street. I will listen to other when they need to vent or lament, but I don't want to listen to their help and suggestions.

I wonder if this is because I am a verbal processor. I wonder if I need to just talk it out to figure out how I feel about it to begin with and then once I understand the problem better I am more open to the help people want to give me. I wonder this because I know that sometimes I genuinely do want the help and the suggestions and I can accept them even if that isn't necessarily what I was seeking.

But what is frustrating is that in order to fix this problem sometimes the only thing I can think of is to just stop talking. That is the problem right? I talk too much. I know I am more comfortable talking than I am listening. It is something I am good at, it is me and I cannot and should not try to change it completely; however, I do need to work on establishing a balance. I hate that there is often a barrier between people in conversation because we cannot know completely what the other is thinking or feeling. Yet, I believe that barrier can be broken down with more honest and clear communication.

Being Chicago has been a great learning experience for me although I do feel lonely at times. I may desire independence because I feel that I was taught to pursue that, but in reality what I desire most is community. I desire open communication and conversation in intentional community more than independence, and I need to constantly remind myself of that.

failure is to be expected

My friend told me this summer to expect failure as a student teacher and it scared me because I did not feel confident that I would be a good teacher and I want to be an awesome teacher.

However, as I have gone through student teaching I have realized that in order to be a good teacher I need to fail in order to become a good teacher. No one is born knowing or able to learn from books/classes how to be a great teacher. This only comes with practice and experiences.

This learning process is difficult for me not only because I am impatient but also because it means I have to fail in order to learn. I hate the fact that I have to fail or screw up to learn. I have spent most of my life trying to avoid feeling weak or stupid but I realized that if I fail it doesn't stop there. What is important is what I do after I fail.

It doesn't matter if we fail at something as long as we figure out how we can turn it around and learn from our mistakes. This is a life lesson I have already figured out but when it came to student teaching or classes in general I have always had a hard time accepting it.

I have had many professors that have told me that they want students to fail papers or tests because it is a good learning experience because we all need to know what it feels like to fail something completely. I always have found this to be kind of maniacal but now it makes sense. I hate feeling like I am failing my students through this process because I am not capable of teaching content the best way from the beginning. But how can I expect myself to be able to do that when I have never taught it before? Coming up with ideas of how to teach material is one thing but you cannot fully understand until you actually teach.

What we have to remember more than anything is that we cannot let the fear of screwing up stop us from living and learning. If I constantly worry about doing things perfectly I'll never end up doing anything. I will never be perfect, or be a perfect teacher but that doesn't matter. What matters is that I am concerned with continually learning how to teach better and that I don't settle. How you grow because of the failure in the end is more important than the failure.

nothing so clear, now that I'm here

So a conclusion can be made about the limited frequency of my blog updates. That conclusion is that I am not so good at taking the time out of my day to blog.

Now I finally have a good excuse for that, which is pretty exciting for me at least.

Currently, I am student teaching at William Howard Taft High School in Norwood Park, Chicago. To all of you who thought "oh dear God she's teaching in a public high school in Chicago!?" Yes I am and it isn't as bad as you think--which is great for me and for your worrying hearts.

I mean it's definitely a public high school. There are punks and kids who think they are thugs, but mostly it just makes me laugh at them in my head, or just get really pissed off because they aren't using the potential they have. The kids are definitely frustrating at times but any kid in high school is going to be frustrating because they think they are "all that."

So far it has definitely been overwhelming and frustrating but nothing so far has been more than I can deal with. Plus, I have supervisors who have my back which is nice.

I love living downtown, being close to a lot of things, but I don't like being new and trying to figure out where all the cool places are. Also, note to self and others for that matter, grocery shopping in the city is super annoying if you plan on only using public transportation. It is something I still need to figure out how to master.

The one thing that I just absolutely love that keeps me sane are my roommates. Or rather apartment-mates because we each have our own room. They are all super sweet and so far we have all managed to have some time each day to chat with each other and ask how the other's days went. It's been really great to have a support system like that. It is also interesting because we live in an apartment that is on the 7th floor of Hosteling International in Chicago so we're constantly running into different people. I also love that the public library is basically next door and there is a Panera and CVS just across the street.

And in closing I would like to announce that MY BROTHER IS GETTING MARRIED IN A WEEK! (super excited. it's gonna be great)

I want you to know it doesn't matter where we take this road

-Kelly Clarkson

The future terrifies me and excites me all at the same time. I get anxious for the next stage of my life to happen because I want to already be in it. It's almost as if I am afraid to start what's next while wanting to know the ending.

I think this is partially because although I realize my life is never to going to be exactly what I want I still want it anyways.

To fight this I have tried to not create expectations for experiences upcoming. I decide to take it as it comes and make the best out of every situation. It generally works but it does not get rid of the anxiety and impatience of waiting to see what comes next.

It shouldn't matter where I want to go and what I want to achieve--God has a plan for my life and it will work out. Deep down I know that and I cherish the reassurance that truth gives me; but I still wish I had a bit more control.

My favorite Bible verse has always been: "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord" Jeremiah 29:11. This passage has given me a great sense of peace throughout the years. One of my major life goals is to not worry. I have seen what worrying can do to people I love and I don't want that for my life. People may say a little bit of worry is healthy because it shows that you are concerned about what is next and performing to the best of your ability--and I agree with that.

The only problem arises when you are seeking perfection. What is the hardest for me to swallow (especially now preparing to student teach) is when you know ahead of time that you cannot attain perfection in the upcoming life experience. Knowing that it will be a difficult learning process in which I will fail here and there is difficult to swallow. It gives me a sense of comfort to the extent to which I know I cannot set my expectations at perfection--but I desperately want perfection and I am afraid of how my potential failures will define my future.

There are some things that I want to achieve so badly that I do not really want to know what life would be like without achieving them--and on top of that I have absolutely no idea how I could achieve them because I am not there yet.

In my life I am constantly searching for balance and it is this perpetual search that gets exhausting. I am tired of waiting and yet I know that this balance can only be achieved through time. To speed up the journey would mean loosing out on savoring the life God gave me to live and that is one thing I refuse to do. Oh the struggles of learning patience.

don't build your life around volcanoes melt you down

-Damien Rice

I feel that our culture has taught us to feel unfulfilled. This state of feeling that there is never enough, that you never feel completely satisfied is useful to capitalism, the media, and politics. It gives us something to be angry about, and it confuses us enough so that we trick ourselves into believing things we would not naturally.

I get extremely angry when I realize I have been tricked by the media or by our culture. I see it as someone playing a trick on me and laughing. I grew up believing that I made my own choices, and when I realized that wasn't always the truth I began to fight against society in my own way. But how ridiculous it is to realize that we cannot fully accept life as it truly is because we are told to expect something else? We all expect our life to be happy and enjoyable all the time, we may realize that it can't be and logically we can say "you need the bad to appreciate the good" but why? Why can't we just realize that we cannot expect our life to be happy and that statement is just a cop out, an excuse for the days we are not feeling perfectly amazing?

Everyone hates feeling sad, lonely, angry, frustrated, you name it; and we search for quick fixes to make us feel better. I personally identify with being a happy and strong person and so when I am not happy I have to figure out why and figure out how control that emotion. (sometimes that is pretty hard). This procedure of making myself feel better often includes surrounding myself with other people who will make me feel good about myself or distract me from what I am really feeling.

BUT what I realized is that although I do not generally identify with being and emotional person, I don't do this because of our culture's high expectations for what life should be like. So what I have decided to do this year is to force myself to respect my feelings and not to suppress them. When I am upset, I should allow myself to be upset--to give into the full weight of that emotion and not expect myself to feel any other emotion. I don't mean making a mountain out of a mole hill and dwelling on something, but allowing myself space and time to process what is going on in my life.

It is still difficult sometimes, especially when I am feeling lonely because more than anything I hate feeling lonely. And to be honest, the emotion of loneliness is the most difficult emotion to deal with. I don't want to let myself feel the full weight of this emotion because it is so strong and potentially harmful. Logically, I appreciate being single and enjoying the freedom that allows to nourish and relish in my friendships. Emotionally, however, I hate being single and the loneliness I feel sometimes is oppressive. What is scarier is that I know I fear loneliness more than anything in the world. I have developed an understanding that this is not a direct correlation of my single-ness and that I can feel fulfilled in my friendships, in fact I have experienced this from time to time. Nevertheless, I know and I am pretty sure the Devil knows of my fear of loneliness and he likes to torment me. Some days are better than others, and I hate that when I feel lonely I tend to use my friends more than I ought to in order to remind myself that I am loved and cherished by others--but what else can we do? What are friends for if they cannot help in the times we need them?

So the question remains, how do I deal with allowing myself to be emotional while still protecting myself? And more importantly how can I help to establish a strong community of love and support amongst singles and couples?

I don't want to grow up

I have been trying to hurry along the growing up process my entire life. I have never been fully satisfied with my age because I always knew there was some other exciting adventure waiting for me after another year, another birthday, another exciting age. I hated being 15 because it wasn't 16, 17 because it wasn't 18, and I especially hated being 19 because it wasn't 20. My aversion to age, the number not the state of being, is precisely because it limits your identity to a number. Numbers and I have never fully gotten along, but I have found that I especially dislike having an odd number for my age. Perhaps this is because all the "exciting" things seem to happen when you are an even age, well except turning 21. I was excited to turn 21 but it wasn't as big of a deal to me as the other birthdays were in some ways. Once I turned 20 I realized that I was excited about turning a certain age because of the idea of what could happen being that age. Then after turning 21, I realized that what came next was growing up, which is exciting and terrifying all at the same time.

After my birthday this past August I had this uncanny idea that I needed all new clothes. I didn't feel like I dressed my age. I wore too many T-shirts and sweatshirts and high collared shirts; which is generally still true. It got worse though. Throughout this year, older people I have come across either on the bus or at church have guessed that I am still in high school or a freshmen in college. Both are very not true--I have gone through a lot to be a senior in college and I kind of figured it would show. When someone else guesses you are younger than you really are isn't much of a compliment until you are over 25 .. at least that is what I think right now.

This dissatisfaction with my age though is not because I actually want to be older, but partially the whole "grass is greener on the other side." I often feel like my life isn't as exciting as it should be. But who decides what life should be like? I have gone through my entire life being impatient and expecting my life to get better as I have more experiences, but that devalues the experiences I have had. Also, now as I am about to graduate from college I realized how much I miss being younger. I am totally excited to start doing things, and making decisions on my own but that is scary. It was easy when you knew where you would be the coming year and what you would be doing for that matter. Sure it sounded boring at the time, but boring is safe and safe sounds pretty good sometimes.

I have an idea of what next year will hold, but the year after that? Who will I hang out with? Where will I be living? What will I be doing? Exciting possibilities lie a head but for the first time I am not so sure I am impatient to have to make those kind of decisions. I would rather things be decided for me to the degree that it'll be easier.

Everything up until now seems a bit like pretend life and now I have to make my real life.

Yet, in someways I still want to be older. I wish I was at a point where all these decisions were already made instead of waiting to figure out what decisions I will make. Weird.

I don't mean to seem like I care about material things, like a social status

Can one be too social?

I have spent the majority of my life surrounding myself with people. People I care about, people I love, people I enjoy, and often people I am learning to enjoy. But I wonder if it is too much.

I know in high school a youth retreat I realized for the first time that I have a tendency to put my relationships with people before my relationship with God. This was a revelation to me, the idea that my friendships, though important, could take away from my relationship with my Creator. Thus, I began to see my desire for human relationships as a way in which I sin against God. I have learned more about how to cope with this, remembering that God did create us to be in relationship with other, as well as learning that God can speak to us through others.

But for some reason, try as I might, I have, and fear that I will, always struggle with depending upon other people to make me happy. I have been let down by so many people in my life, often for good, logical reasons. I find such joy in the friendships I have, but with a blink of an eye that moment is often gone. And so in the absence of that joy I search for more opportunities to recreate that joy.

I don't realize that I expect others to make me happy until I am sad or I feel lonely. At first this loneliness doesn't bother me, however, I realize that as I begin to feel more lonely I reach out to others to pull me out. They never can, because no one can physically fill that void. Nevertheless, it seems to be my default coping mechanism. I am getting better at recognizing when I am putting pressure on people I love to fill a need I know they cannot, but I still wish they could.

I wish I could rely more on God to fill the void because He is the one that is actually capable of this, but it has been hard, and I am still learning.

take this sinking boat and point it home

For the last few months it has amazed me how much free time I have and how I spend my free time. I purposely decided to take less credits this past semester and although it had its moments of being busy overall I had more free time than I have ever had while attending Calvin. What I forgot when creating this schedule was that with this extra free time I would have to be intentional about how I spent that free time.

I don't necessarily think I have wasted too much of that time but I have begun to realize how much time I spend on my computer. Even when I need to be on my computer for homework I get distracted so much by Facebook. I am on Facebook more than I would like to admit, but I defend that the reason I am is because I chat with my friends. Although most people I talk to would argue that I should not feel embarrassed by this, I still do when I realize that scrolling down on my newsfeed is futile since I already have seen everything on it five minutes before.

More importantly over break and even this Saturday I realized that I don't quite know what to do with myself when I have free time. I don't want to watch TV or sit on my computer because I feel like there are much better ways to use my time. But I have found that I tend to lack the motivation to do anything else with my time. I have plenty of books I could read but currently I am not inspired to read, or to draw, or to play my violin, or knit. All of these hobbies seem like chores to me right now. I have never been quite skilled in the art of relishing time spent alone.

What is interesting is I hate being extremely busy. It is taxing on my soul because I cannot enjoy moving slowly through life. I feel guilty often times when I sit around not doing anything even when I am not procrastinating. I feel like I just don't know what to do when my life is not busy when I actually have time I don't know what to do with it. This is most likely a reflection on how I have lived my life thus far. I realize not every day is going to be perfect but I want learn how to enjoy being by myself and enjoy having nothing to do.