I want you to know it doesn't matter where we take this road

-Kelly Clarkson

The future terrifies me and excites me all at the same time. I get anxious for the next stage of my life to happen because I want to already be in it. It's almost as if I am afraid to start what's next while wanting to know the ending.

I think this is partially because although I realize my life is never to going to be exactly what I want I still want it anyways.

To fight this I have tried to not create expectations for experiences upcoming. I decide to take it as it comes and make the best out of every situation. It generally works but it does not get rid of the anxiety and impatience of waiting to see what comes next.

It shouldn't matter where I want to go and what I want to achieve--God has a plan for my life and it will work out. Deep down I know that and I cherish the reassurance that truth gives me; but I still wish I had a bit more control.

My favorite Bible verse has always been: "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord" Jeremiah 29:11. This passage has given me a great sense of peace throughout the years. One of my major life goals is to not worry. I have seen what worrying can do to people I love and I don't want that for my life. People may say a little bit of worry is healthy because it shows that you are concerned about what is next and performing to the best of your ability--and I agree with that.

The only problem arises when you are seeking perfection. What is the hardest for me to swallow (especially now preparing to student teach) is when you know ahead of time that you cannot attain perfection in the upcoming life experience. Knowing that it will be a difficult learning process in which I will fail here and there is difficult to swallow. It gives me a sense of comfort to the extent to which I know I cannot set my expectations at perfection--but I desperately want perfection and I am afraid of how my potential failures will define my future.

There are some things that I want to achieve so badly that I do not really want to know what life would be like without achieving them--and on top of that I have absolutely no idea how I could achieve them because I am not there yet.

In my life I am constantly searching for balance and it is this perpetual search that gets exhausting. I am tired of waiting and yet I know that this balance can only be achieved through time. To speed up the journey would mean loosing out on savoring the life God gave me to live and that is one thing I refuse to do. Oh the struggles of learning patience.