Vlog .. it's the best of both worlds

strain this chaos turn it into life

- Snow Patrol

These past few weeks have been interesting, it keeps getting more and more real that I will have my own classroom which is kind of terrifying. I am excited for my classroom but the closer it get to having real kids in front of me the more I have realized my deep seated fear that I will fail. Reality is that I am uncomfortable with the idea of failure. On top of that I feel like I am on a cliff waiting to jump because I am aware of how difficult and how challenging this year is.

Sometimes I have difficulty being positive about the experience. It's not an everyday, I mean really this is what I've wanted to do with my life. But I think I am so nervous because I know how serious this work is and how much is weighing my being successful this year.

I just need to find some motivational quotes to inspire me and help me believe in my abilities. I often forget what I am fully capable of and realize that although I am not perfect I can be successful I can make a change. TFA believes I can do it so I can, right?

people moving all the time inside a perfectly straight line

- Coldplay

So I am officially moved into my apartment in Memphis! It's been super busy and hectic but it's coming together. I am a little sad about living by myself sometimes because it is very quiet and I am definitely going to have to make a lot of effort to see people but I think it'll be good.

It has been interesting these last few weeks thinking about what really made me want to go into teaching. As a college freshmen I was very concerned about enjoying my future career. I worried that I would not like my job in the future, and thinking, how could I be expected to make a choice about what I wanted to do for the rest of my life as an 18 year old?

But when I was student teaching in Chicago I realized that I never felt tired or bored. The reality is that when I was young I thought I would never want to be a teacher because I thought teaching would be boring or cliche. Almost all my friends' parents were teachers and I wanted to do something exciting, something no one else would do.

While training in Atlanta and now back in Memphis, I realized that not only will teaching never be boring, but this is actually really important and exciting work. I have the great opportunity to make a huge difference in students' lives and effect transformational change. It scares me how much work will go into effecting transformational change, but I figure why let my 6 year old self down? I have always wanted to do something exciting with my life and why not start now?

first you must go walking on your own

-Alexi Murdoch

After a week of intense training here in HOT-lanta it is amazing the effort and drive all of these corps members have. Living on a college campus is interesting because it almost feels like I am a freshmen again, but this time I am surrounded by passionate, driven people who are constantly talking about lesson plans and behavior management.

I have gotten used to being only one of the few education majors in my friend group. While most of my friends at Calvin are having deep conversations about ethics, environmental sustainability, or international development I was pre-occupied with whether the assessments for my unit plan were aligned with the material being taught. Now, everyone around me is concerned about being the best teacher they can and it is amazing.

Beyond being surrounded by people who are also concerned with student achievement, it is also amazing the amount of work and learning that is taking place. I naively thought I would have much more of a grasp on the work I was expected to complete. I have written many lesson plans and executed them after all. The reality is, we always have something more to learn. I knew I was not an expert on lesson planning, otherwise I would not have signed up for TFA, but I did not expect it to be so difficult for me.

Reality smacked me in the face and reminded me, "Laura - you still have much to learn."

I may have started this journey alone, but it is reassuring to know I am no longer alone. All of us have a great deal to learn and we all want to help each other succeed because together we can achieve immeasurably more than we could on our own.

don't stop believin'

- Journey

There are things, people, situations that might get you down but this week and the coming weeks as a Teach For America 2011 corps member have taught me to continue to believe in my dream. This first week as a corps member is just the beginning and there are much harder times but there are still flashes of fear and uncertainty.

The thing that is important for me to remember is that every transition is exciting but it is exciting because it is completely new. I love the idea of something new but new means a level of discomfort that must be paired with patience.

Sometimes these experiences that test my level of comfort lead me to question my aspirations; but then I think of my students in Chicago, all the students I'll meet in Memphis and it becomes real again. It is more than what I feel comfortable with, it's about what NEEDS to happen. I can't stop believing that it is possible to close the achievement gap, especially when there are such huge statistics showing how effective teachers can be when they hold their students to high expectations.

Plus, now it is incredibly real because I actually have a school and an apartment. Memphis is now home, there is no turning back. I can't wait to meet my students at Raleigh Egypt Middle School and to work with my fellow TFA-ers to really affect change.

It may be the Kool-Aid, but I am really excited about the potential growth in Memphis. There are tons of work to be done but it needs to be done by someone, so why not by me? I cannot sit idly by knowing that I can make a huge difference in the world. Therefore, feeling uncomfortable, or even failing are necessary experiences in order to achieve this goal. I cannot let my fear and discomfort keep me from achieving this goal because that is temporary, but the change that possible can last a long time and beyond.

When our eyes had lost the stars And we made our peace with lonely nights And you healed our broken hearts

- Peter Bradley

I was listening to NPR on my way home from substitute teaching and there was a woman on talking about the effects technology is having on the younger generation and on family relationships and I think she hit on something extremely important. She made a comment that technology is not allowing young kids to learn how to be by themselves in a healthy and formative way. This woman made the distinction between being alone and being by oneself because she said you can be by yourself and not feel lonely. Unfortunately, with almost unlimited access to communication today kids are not given many opportunities to just be by themselves and not feel alone.

I resonate with this problem because it is something I myself have struggled with. I have always sought to surround myself with others because I thought that was what I should do. It took me a long time before I was able to appreciate being by myself--alone but not lonely. This is an incredibly important skill to learn because we should have a balance between shared time and "me" time.

I think this problem also links with our society's fear of single-ness. Being single, does not mean that you will be completely alone. That can happen, but it is not a natural side effect of being single. I think we as a society should support people who are single because that is when community is most important.

Although I will confess that I want to share my adventures and experiences with others which can be difficult. I want to experience so many different things, but I don't want to do it by myself. I have done it before, but I find it more rewarding to be able to share those experiences with someone else. Yet, it is becoming more clear to me that I am going to have to figure out how to do that on my own without feeling too lonely.

tell me no, I say yes, I was chosen and I will deliver the explosion

-Santogold

The day has come, as anticipated, when I realize that I miss my old students. Well they are not really mine anymore, never really were mine, but I don't think I could have helped feeling possessive. They were my first students that I taught for a significant amount of time.

What is difficult is that I am in limbo, ready to move on to my next challenge but not being able to. I have to wait for someone to accept what I feel I was made to accomplish, it is incredibly annoying. Now I do not pretend to be in control of my life, because in reality I am not. But I feel that I have a good idea of what I am supposed to do next and it is incredibly frustrating not being able to pursue it. Or rather pursuing my passion, requires that I fill out applications and wait for other people to agree with me.

All I can do these days is talk about what I want to do with my life, what I care about, what I want to change. It is so frustrating because talking about it doesn't change anything. Identifying the problem is an extremely important step in the puzzle, but I'm there and I want to move forward! I am a true college graduate who wants to change the world. A person who is itching to make a difference with the knowledge gained--so let me!

Here is the truth, mid-life crises exist because people settle for not accomplishing their college dreams. People claim they just become realistic and claim that those dreams were just naive idealistic ideas that could never come to fruition. But I say what about the 1960s? What happened when a group of people did not give up their passion for equality and justice? Mountains can move if you believe enough.

"What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up

like a raisin in the sun?

Or fester like a sore--

And then run?

Does it stink like rotten meat?

Or crust and sugar over--

like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags

like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?"

"A Dream Deferred" - Langston Hughes