- The Weepies
fail = The Weepies performed in Evanston, IL and I could not get tickets
truth + fail = very sad Laura
Now that has been covered we can move on to more important things such as the fact that I am done student teaching in 14 school days!
There are some professional development days and some holidays thrown in there but let's keep the eye on the prize--being done with one of the most awful yet meaningful experiences you'll ever go through. I now finally understand why my advisor at Calvin was so worried about me being in Chicago; this shit is hard and you need some people who have got your back. I am glad I made the choice to be in Chicago. Although I sometimes wonder if it might have been easier to stay in Grand Rapids, I know that it was important for me to take a more independent step in my life. Until this year I have had a great deal of help from Calvin in terms of housing. I do not regret my housing decisions I made at Calvin at all but I realized that I needed to have an experience where I have to pay rent, I have to do my own grocery shopping, and I need to figure out how to get around a new city all on my own.
Independence is something that has always been important to me. I don't know what encouraged this but I have felt the need not to rely on my parents (although I do much more than I care to admit) or on others that much. I have come to realize that complete independence is impossible and it might not necessarily be what I ought to be what I am aiming for but I have grown up believing that that is the ultimate goal. In truth I am a full blooded American.
It is important for me to know that I can do it on my own because essentially my goal still in some ways is to be independent. However, the more independent I am the emptier I feel. I cut people out of certain parts of my life in order to prove I can do it on my own but it doesn't work, I still need their help. I want someone to hear my frustrations my complaints, but I am not always willing to hear an answer because I want to find the answer on my own. I appreciate suggestions but I always rationalize them--"they don't really know the whole situation," or "I have already tried that and there's no way it could work," or even "there is no solution to this problem I just have to deal with it." I know this is frustrating to the people I talk to about my frustrations because I see the conversation as a means to figuring out the problem on my own through verbally processing and seeing the problem from every angle before I find a solution, whereas the listener often believes that their role is to find the solution.
I know personally I used to play this role all the time. When someone had a problem I needed to find the answer for them, I needed to fix their problem for them, why else would they come to me to talk about it? Since then I have changed my approach to listening. After talking to a wise RD I once had he reflected on my problem saying, "Laura you need to learn to listen, you talk to much, don't worry about having the answer because you cannot carry that burden." In addition, I heard a sermon that year by Rob Bell of Mars Hill in which his main message was that people who are experiencing great sorrow often just need an ear to listen, a mouth to stay closed, a shoulder to cry on, and arms to surround and support.
This is not to say that the people I am discussing my problem ought to shut up and just let me talk. No, the point is that I need to develop a larger understanding of what listening means. I need to listen to someone lament, but I also need to listen to people who genuinely want to help. Right now my listening is more of a one way street. I will listen to other when they need to vent or lament, but I don't want to listen to their help and suggestions.
I wonder if this is because I am a verbal processor. I wonder if I need to just talk it out to figure out how I feel about it to begin with and then once I understand the problem better I am more open to the help people want to give me. I wonder this because I know that sometimes I genuinely do want the help and the suggestions and I can accept them even if that isn't necessarily what I was seeking.
But what is frustrating is that in order to fix this problem sometimes the only thing I can think of is to just stop talking. That is the problem right? I talk too much. I know I am more comfortable talking than I am listening. It is something I am good at, it is me and I cannot and should not try to change it completely; however, I do need to work on establishing a balance. I hate that there is often a barrier between people in conversation because we cannot know completely what the other is thinking or feeling. Yet, I believe that barrier can be broken down with more honest and clear communication.
Being Chicago has been a great learning experience for me although I do feel lonely at times. I may desire independence because I feel that I was taught to pursue that, but in reality what I desire most is community. I desire open communication and conversation in intentional community more than independence, and I need to constantly remind myself of that.
