I don't want to grow up

I have been trying to hurry along the growing up process my entire life. I have never been fully satisfied with my age because I always knew there was some other exciting adventure waiting for me after another year, another birthday, another exciting age. I hated being 15 because it wasn't 16, 17 because it wasn't 18, and I especially hated being 19 because it wasn't 20. My aversion to age, the number not the state of being, is precisely because it limits your identity to a number. Numbers and I have never fully gotten along, but I have found that I especially dislike having an odd number for my age. Perhaps this is because all the "exciting" things seem to happen when you are an even age, well except turning 21. I was excited to turn 21 but it wasn't as big of a deal to me as the other birthdays were in some ways. Once I turned 20 I realized that I was excited about turning a certain age because of the idea of what could happen being that age. Then after turning 21, I realized that what came next was growing up, which is exciting and terrifying all at the same time.

After my birthday this past August I had this uncanny idea that I needed all new clothes. I didn't feel like I dressed my age. I wore too many T-shirts and sweatshirts and high collared shirts; which is generally still true. It got worse though. Throughout this year, older people I have come across either on the bus or at church have guessed that I am still in high school or a freshmen in college. Both are very not true--I have gone through a lot to be a senior in college and I kind of figured it would show. When someone else guesses you are younger than you really are isn't much of a compliment until you are over 25 .. at least that is what I think right now.

This dissatisfaction with my age though is not because I actually want to be older, but partially the whole "grass is greener on the other side." I often feel like my life isn't as exciting as it should be. But who decides what life should be like? I have gone through my entire life being impatient and expecting my life to get better as I have more experiences, but that devalues the experiences I have had. Also, now as I am about to graduate from college I realized how much I miss being younger. I am totally excited to start doing things, and making decisions on my own but that is scary. It was easy when you knew where you would be the coming year and what you would be doing for that matter. Sure it sounded boring at the time, but boring is safe and safe sounds pretty good sometimes.

I have an idea of what next year will hold, but the year after that? Who will I hang out with? Where will I be living? What will I be doing? Exciting possibilities lie a head but for the first time I am not so sure I am impatient to have to make those kind of decisions. I would rather things be decided for me to the degree that it'll be easier.

Everything up until now seems a bit like pretend life and now I have to make my real life.

Yet, in someways I still want to be older. I wish I was at a point where all these decisions were already made instead of waiting to figure out what decisions I will make. Weird.